Sheryl Sandberg: How I’ve coped with grief
She’s the founder of Lean In, an initiative to help women achieve their ambitions. The chief-operating officer of Facebook. A mother. She was also a wife, who lost her husband, David, suddenly from heart-related causes. In her latest book, Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, she examines moving forwards after trauma. She shared with us some of the lessons she's learnt along the way …
Cherish what you have
“… someone said to me recently that it’s like I woke up. And I think what I woke up to was just, kind of this deep appreciation for how fragile it all is, which makes me both appreciate what I have and appreciate life in a new way, and I realise I didn’t before.”
Few things will give you a renewed, deeper, not to mention unique perspective on life than being faced with a devastating loss - especially if it’s sudden. As Sheryl notes, death “… changes you in a very, very, I think profound way”. It isn’t just losing a loved one that can have this effect. A terminal diagnosis. A near-death experience. Losing part of yourself in some way before coming out the other side. If you can, don’t wait for a life-changing event to occur to take stock of the goodness in your life. It’s something you hear a lot but it’s worth remembering: try focusing on what you have, not what you don’t have.
Don’t blame yourself to recover
“…one of the big traps we have of recovering from adversity or trauma is personalisation, we blame ourselves. And when Adam [Grant, who co-wrote the book] said to me, ‘If you keep blaming yourself that you did not diagnose Dave’s coronary artery disease, your kids will not be happy. This is a trap.’ I’m like, OK, I need my kids to be happy, I don’t want this to ruin their lives. And so I had to stop blaming myself.”
When something terrible or tragic happens, it can be so easy to blame ourselves for what we should’ve, would’ve, could’ve done. Often we torment ourselves with ‘what ifs’ until we can think no more. But, as Sheryl observes, recovery is paramount and must take a precedence over anything else. Think of it this way: what have you gained from all that obsessive overthinking about something that has already happened, apart from mental anguish? Don’t do it to yourself. You’ve already been through enough.
Get out of the house
“… being at home was horrible, being at work wasn’t great either but home was way worse. And I’ve actually talked to a lot of people, who have lost family members, and they will say the same thing.”
The temptation to withdraw and hibernate from human contact can be strong, understandably, when you are grieving. But, as Sheryl experienced, being at home surrounded by constant reminders; the silence, the solitude, the space on the sofa where he or she used to sit can be too much to bear, particularly in the early days. So, getting a break from the familiar, even if that means just walking to the end of your road, might offer some relief.
Recognising you’re hurting is important
“Well, I think, acknowledging the pain is the most important thing. You know, when you walk up to someone, you’re like, “How are you?” A week after their husband died, right? I mean, there’s no answer for that.”
People don’t always know what to say to someone, who is in pain. Even Sheryl admits that she was one of those people who would acknowledge a person’s plight, with a customary “sorry for your loss” just the once. No, you can’t control how people react to your situation but you can tell them what you need.
Put yourself out there
“I wrote a (Facebook) post really for myself, like this is what I would say if I was just going to be honest with everyone… And I hit post and it really did help. It didn’t bring Dave back and it didn’t take away the grief but a friend of mine from work (who read it) told me she’d been driving past my house every day and never come in. And she started coming in, and everybody started saying, ‘How are you doing today? Are you OK? I know you’re grieving.’ And so, I still had the grief but I wasn’t isolated…”
Sometimes getting what you need when you’re grieving means opening yourself right up, just like Sheryl did in her heartfelt letter about mourning the loss of her husband that went viral after she posted it on Facebook. Don’t be afraid to do the same.
